Fear is My Co-Pilot

I’m a walking contradiction: I’m waaay left of center, but was a registered Republican for about 15 years. I expect manners from my children that would impress Emily Post, but I cuss like a fucking truck driving sailor (not in front of the kids). My office at work is pristine, but my house looks like a toddler exploded... 4 years ago... and hasn’t been cleaned since. And I am trying to raise fearless children who question authority, but I allow fear to govern damn near every decision I make in my life. If children learn by the examples we set for them, what am I teaching my kids?

The light bulb went on when I was trying to set my New Year’s resolutions. How could I better myself? All of my wacky phobias and self-imposed limits sprung to mind. I followed that train of thought to the big picture: FEAR. For example, I don’t fly. I am terrified of planes. No amount of money or alcohol will get me 35,000 feet above terra firma. As a result my career is suffering. I work for the Sales department of a large software company and I.Don’t.Travel. I am the B. A. Baracus of the Sales department (please tell me someone here is old enough to get that A-Team reference?). Public speaking is another one. The idea of it makes my butt pucker. Have you seen that movie The King’s Speech? Yeah, that’s me. OK, those are pretty common fears, but it only gets crazier from there. I wanted to be a photographer, even went to college for it, but couldn’t handle the uncertainty of unsteady income. I would LOVE a third child, but the medical bills scare me and sadly we’re probably done. I have no real friends locally to speak of, but too afraid to make any (what if they don’t like me?). I’m even afraid of being too honest and too real on this fakakta blog (what if they make fun of me?). My Facebook page scares me too (what if someone is mean to me on the interwebz? lol). What if what if what if what if AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO MORE “WHAT IF”!!!!

Is this normal? Does everyone do this to some degree? How successful could I have been at life had fear not been my co-pilot? Do I need to be medicated lol? And what the hell do I do about this? This relationship I have with fear consumes my every thought. I would die if I modeled that for my children. Since this all started with a New Year’s resolution I decided to tackle public speaking first. I enrolled in a 100 day Leadership course at work that forces me outside my comfort zone. I have to do a (very brief) presentation at every class. My heart races, my face is red hot, my stomach is my worst enemy, there may or may not have been bouts of explosive diarrhea, I will not confirm or deny that one. But you know what? I survived. I’ve given three presentations so far and have lived to tell about it (and my colon is now cleaner than my house). I’m actually really proud of myself! I’m far from “fixed”, but I think it’s a step in the right direction.

I don’t know how to change the pattern of behavior though. I don’t know how to silence that little voice in my head that constantly says “I can’t”. Is it possible to change at my age? How do I make “what if” my bitch?

Genital Integrity Awareness Week

March 26 - March 30 is Genital Integrity Awareness Week. My initial thought when I heard this was, "That's a real thing? Wow. OK.". The intactivist (I'm not crazy about that moniker) in me felt compelled to participate, but how? Well, awareness is right there in the name so maybe I'll put some information about routine infant circumcision (RIC) out there into the universe and maybe someone will notice it? The truth is I have no effing idea what I'm doing. I am still struggling to find my voice on this topic. It's a topic very close to my heart, but the very last thing I want to do is cause a parent pain or guilt because they chose to circumcise their boy(s). I believe for the most part parents make decisions for their children out of love. So please bear with me as I struggle to find my voice. Education for future decisions is my goal, not shame. I feel like these little people are new to the world and someone needs to be their voice. Someone needs to encourage parents to do their homework on not just the benefits of the procedure, but the risks, before making a decision. I'll admit, I'll never be able to relate to the desire to correct God's "mistake", but I don't sit in judgment of other parents who've chosen RIC. That's not who I am. So with that said, I must post a few more tidbits about RIC as today is the last day of GIAW and hope it opens someone's heart and another baby boy gets to start life whole and perfect the way God made him.

50 Reasons to leave it alone
http://www.thewholenetwork.org/14/post/2011/8/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html

Psychology Today talks about the myths about circumcision you likely believe
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201109/myths-about-circumcision-you-likely-believe

Bad Mother: 20 things I wish someone had told me before I became a mom

Bad Mother: 20 things I wish someone had told me before I became a mom

20 things I wish someone had told me before I became a mom

I'm sure every mom can come up with 100 of these.  Share yours in the comments.  Here are a few things I wish someone had told me before I became a mother.  Thanks to my village I picked them up along the way (hopefully before I screwed up my first pancake too bad).

1. Forgive yourself. If this one doesn't make sense now, it will.  Forgive yourself if your birth/breastfeeding/whatever doesn't go as planned. You will lose your temper & yell. You'll forget to buckle his car seat. You'll let him >gasp< eat a Happy Meal. You might even drop him... twice. Shit happens. Forgive yourself & try harder next time.

2. Never lose your sense of humor & embrace whimsy. Kids are hilarious. Enjoy it!

3. Listen to your gut. Your instincts should never be ignored even when it rubs others (doctors, school, family) the wrong way.

4. Never pass on an opportunity to pee, eat, sleep or bathe.

5. Babies don't cry for no reason. Sometimes they just want to be held. Being held is a NEED just like being fed & changed. Crying is the only way they can communicate and just because we don't know what they're saying doesn't mean nothing is wrong.

6. Kids are washable. Let them play.

7. You cannot spoil a baby no matter how hard you try, I promise. Hold him, sing to him, rock him, sleep with him and hold him some more as much as possible.

8. Never pass on an opportunity to pee, eat, sleep or bathe... seriously.

9. Pick your battles.

10. The house can wait. Screw the laundry, dishes & toilets. The kids will remember how much time you spent with them growing up, not how empty their hamper was.

11. Question authority. Always. I don't care if it's the pediatrician, teacher or the president of the United States. They are human and makes mistakes. Sometimes they do get it wrong. Do your homework and stick to your guns. Obedience is overrated.

12. Perfect doesn't exist. I don't care how easy Susie McSupermommy at school makes it look, she's screwing up her kids too, especially her first one. Your first kid is a lot like the first pancake. It's going to be slightly over cooked, crispy around the edges and stick to the pan a little bit. It can't be helped. Get kid #1 a piggy bank and start saving for a therapist now.

13. Kids learn by example. Duh, right? If you want them to respect you, respect them first. Want them to listen to you? Put your smart phone down, get down on their level and listen to them first. Don't want them to hit? Don't hit them. Sometimes easier said than done.

14. It doesn't matter when he does it as long as he does it [milestones]. We all know your little Johnny is the smartest, cutest & best at everything, but don't sweat it if he isn't sitting up/crawling/walking/potty training/whatever by birth. It doesn't matter. As long as he gets it eventually (medical issues aside). My husband says, "you may not be the fastest [race] horse, but you're still my horse."

15. Follow their lead. They will let you know when they're ready for the next stage (solids, potty training, big boy bed, etc).  Put the baby books away and listen to your baby and trust your gut.

16. You train dogs, not people. Babies are people too. Respect them as an individual and let them eat/sleep/play on their time. Human babies are one of the most helpless & vulnerable creatures in the animal kingdom. Forcing them to comply to our schedule at such a tender age can be dangerous.  Save the "training" for older children (or better yet, skip it).  The baby stage feels like an eternity, but it will be over before you know it.

17. Parenting isn't one size fits all. Be flexible. What worked for one kid may not work for another.  What works for one mom may not work for another.  And here's something interesting, every mom thinks her way is the right way.  It's ok, you can't help it.

18. Less is more. You don't need to waste money on timers, video monitors, gaming systems and motorized Barbie cars. Hell with a good baby carrier you don't even need a stroller.  Save your money, go outside and play with a ball and ride a bike.

19. Drink wine.

20. It takes a village. I hate cliches, but it's true. Surround yourself with positive people & let the Debbie Downers fall away. It's ok to swallow your pride and ask for help sometimes. Remember #13? Your kids will learn to ask for help when needed & be there when others need help. Why is this so hard? I suck at it.

Something I was told before becoming a mom that I think is worth its weight in gold is Dunstan Baby Language.  I do not work for them, I don't get money for mentioning them.  They seriously saved our sanity and every new parent should have this information.

I am a Bad Mother

I have a friend. She’s a new friend, but I like her. She uses big words and writes poetry, which intimidates me, so in my book she’s a smart lady. She told me today, “One piece of advice [about blogging] I got that is worth passing on is to just start one. Don’t linger and wait forever until your idea is perfect. Just start writing. It is an ever evolving work in progress.” So here I am. What now? What do I have to say that people will actually read? Beats the hell out of me.

I’m angry, sensitive, passionate, sensitive some more, crazy, shy and slightly (tongue planted firmly in cheek) left of center... this blog will probably be all over the place.

I’m angry. Why am I angry? I don’t know... shit pisses me off. I’m sensitive. Too sensitive. Everything makes me cry. This makes me angry. See how this works? I am passionate. I can’t do anything halfway. When I take an interest in something it consumes me. I can’t sleep at night because of it. This pisses me off. I’m crazy, I’m shy. I don’t even answer the phone because I might be expected to talk to someone. ::shudder:: That leaves left-of-center. I wasn’t always that way. I used to be happy with the status quo. I was raised in a pretty conservative family. Once I became a mom something happened. I gave myself permission to trust my instincts, which is no easy feat for a crazy/shy/sensitive chick, and when I did... the dam broke. My gut was SCREAMING at me that it feels wrong to let a baby cry himself to sleep. It feels wrong to put him to sleep in a room on the other side of the house. It feels wrong to spank someone I love and respect so deeply. It feels wrong to cut part of his body off at birth for no good reason. It all felt so unnatural. But this is what you do in our country, right? So I must be a Bad Mother.

I was a Bad Mother because I couldn’t follow the rules. I was failing my son. "Oh, there goes Jen again, she *has* to be different." ::eye roll:: I *am* different. I know that. I resent it. I have never fit in anywhere, including my own family. Lord knows I have tried my ass off. After my first son was a few months old I finally worked up the courage to say “fuck it.” We’re doing this my way. I gave myself permission to be a Bad Mother and embraced it. My gut won. I am a co-sleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering, intactivist Bad Mother. Take it or leave it.

Wow. This was cathartic. Thank you for the nudge Kristin!

My loves