I’m a walking contradiction: I’m waaay left of center, but was a registered Republican for about 15 years. I expect manners from my children that would impress Emily Post, but I cuss like a fucking truck driving sailor (not in front of the kids). My office at work is pristine, but my house looks like a toddler exploded... 4 years ago... and hasn’t been cleaned since. And I am trying to raise fearless children who question authority, but I allow fear to govern damn near every decision I make in my life. If children learn by the examples we set for them, what am I teaching my kids?
The light bulb went on when I was trying to set my New Year’s resolutions. How could I better myself? All of my wacky phobias and self-imposed limits sprung to mind. I followed that train of thought to the big picture: FEAR. For example, I don’t fly. I am terrified of planes. No amount of money or alcohol will get me 35,000 feet above terra firma. As a result my career is suffering. I work for the Sales department of a large software company and I.Don’t.Travel. I am the B. A. Baracus of the Sales department (please tell me someone here is old enough to get that A-Team reference?). Public speaking is another one. The idea of it makes my butt pucker. Have you seen that movie The King’s Speech? Yeah, that’s me. OK, those are pretty common fears, but it only gets crazier from there. I wanted to be a photographer, even went to college for it, but couldn’t handle the uncertainty of unsteady income. I would LOVE a third child, but the medical bills scare me and sadly we’re probably done. I have no real friends locally to speak of, but too afraid to make any (what if they don’t like me?). I’m even afraid of being too honest and too real on this fakakta blog (what if they make fun of me?). My Facebook page scares me too (what if someone is mean to me on the interwebz? lol). What if what if what if what if AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO MORE “WHAT IF”!!!!
Is this normal? Does everyone do this to some degree? How successful could I have been at life had fear not been my co-pilot? Do I need to be medicated lol? And what the hell do I do about this? This relationship I have with fear consumes my every thought. I would die if I modeled that for my children. Since this all started with a New Year’s resolution I decided to tackle public speaking first. I enrolled in a 100 day Leadership course at work that forces me outside my comfort zone. I have to do a (very brief) presentation at every class. My heart races, my face is red hot, my stomach is my worst enemy, there may or may not have been bouts of explosive diarrhea, I will not confirm or deny that one. But you know what? I survived. I’ve given three presentations so far and have lived to tell about it (and my colon is now cleaner than my house). I’m actually really proud of myself! I’m far from “fixed”, but I think it’s a step in the right direction.
I don’t know how to change the pattern of behavior though. I don’t know how to silence that little voice in my head that constantly says “I can’t”. Is it possible to change at my age? How do I make “what if” my bitch?
